Hey folks,

How y'all doin' over in sunny Scotland. I'm in Houston "we have a problem" Texas right now and it's about 80-90 degrees outside and there's a pool calling my name. Only been here a week, got another two to go but here's the rundown on what's happened so far amigos.

So we flew out last Thursday, 7 and a half hours on a plane to Chicago, I was looking forward to the movie which they said was X-Men United, I'm like wow, X-Men 3 why the hell did I wait to go see it a few weeks back when I can watch it on this shitty screen 14 feet in front of me and the size of a cat's ass with these earphones that are shit! And Dude, X-Men United is not X-Men 3 nor is it X-Men on a freakin plane it's the Amerian name for X-Men 2. And they play the Spanish ialogue like a miliseconda fter the english dialogue which makes it pretty hard to concentrate on Wolverine kicking ass. So we landed at Chicago 7 hours after leaving Glasgow at 11am which would make it about 6pm right? No! It's 12:30 at Chicago, weird! And we had to wait for 3 hours...nope plane delayed so we waited about 5 hours for our connecting flight to Newark and everyone was so rude. Check this out hombres, I go through the customs desk and this guy us leaning back typing with one hand, doesn't even talk to me, the guy next to him has seen 5 people by this point! He looks at me and says "Why are you here?" I'm like, well I wanna go to New York, "pleasure" I said. He says, "Where are you going?". I'm like, New York. WQe're travelling across country to LA. He says "where?". I said Los Angeles! He says and whose"we"? I said me and my girlfriend, she went through a half hour ago y'know? HE just looksa t me and says how long do you plan on staying here? I said 3 weeks and he said oh so you're just going to be driving for a week? I was like uhm whatever! So then we take the wring door and have to go through the security baggage check again!!!! Again! Security is tighter than my butthole in a men's room at Bennett's I shit you not! So we get a Burrito! Cool! and then fly to Newark and get this crazy lil foreign shuttle bus driver, he leaves the door open at the back so our luggage can fall out y'know. So New York was great, the first day we saw Madison Square Garden, The New York Library, Times Square. I forgot to mention the Quote of the Day from our flight day. The pilot as we are landing says to us, "and don't use mobile phones or cameras in the customs hall as they will be confiscated! Good day." Yeah he might as well have said "Fuck you! And Have a nice day!"

So we had massive pancakes for breakfast and we went on a tour of NBC studios which would be cool if we knew any of the programs. We also saw Rockefeller Centre and got tickets to a stand up comedy show that night. We went back to the hostel and got changed after a mix up with the travellers cheque I signed the night before. We went to a nice Italian place for dinner and then got soaked through on the way to the comedy club and our first subway trip. The comedy was funny to start with but after 2 hours it kinda got a bit shitty and we walked home.

Quote of the day - Jennifer "I thought it would be bigger!"

Day 2, we get up and go for breakfast, I had fruit bowl but there was too much melon. We went to the Statue of Liberty, people don't waste your time, go to the harbour and take a photo. Because after you wait for the ferryt you go through a metal detector you don't get to go all the way up just to the top of the pedastal which is under her feet and you cant even see them! You can look up the inside which was cool.

That night we went to Chinatown for dinner, I tried to tell Jen it was not nice lil Chinamen and chicken fried rice but would she listen! No! So we walk down the derelict graffiti town of Chinatown and are terrified out of minds (I should add that surrounded by closed down chinese restaurants I still insisted we were not in Chinatown!) So we caught a cab to Little Italy and had a nice meal in a lil Italian restaurant and then a few drinks in a bar, after I had a Long Island Iced Tea I think it was too much, I knocked a glass onto the floor and hey it bounced three times before it smashed! And rather than the usual bouncer stare you get in Glasgow the lil mexican dude says hey bro, you're human, I'm human, we are all human, forget about it. I was like wow cool! SO we went back to the hostel and fell asleep, man it is $6 for a beer in New York.

Quote of the Day - Jennifer "I almost trod on that little dog on the way out of that sex shop"

Day 3:

So we went uptown today and there was some Puerto Rican pride march with J-Lo on and we had to walk for miles around it to get where we were going. Bloomingdales, so Jen could get a bloomingdales bag. We also went to the bar "Cocktail" was filmed in and then a candy shop that made Willy Wonka's factory look like Woolworth's pik n mix. We also went to Strawberry fields and there was a little band there playing Beatles songs and people singing along with them it was really cool. We went to a lil Irish bar and then we saw the naked cowboy in Times Sq. Yes a naked cowboy wearing a hat, boots, pants and a guitat! This city is freakin weird! I love it! We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner, very nice! The got a pedicab, don't ask! Mental! to Empire State Building where you wait in I shit you not, 5 queues and about 3 metal detectors, but the view from the top is amazing.

Quotes of the Day:

"If it's a bush I'm gonna kill you" - Me

"If there's another queue around this corner I'm gonna kill myself" - Jen

"Check out my booty!" Sang by Nake Cowboy.

In summary, New York is strange but brilliant and I so wanna live there!

Day 4:

We picked up the car and drove to Richmond, stayed in a nice motel. The car starts by remote control! Its a V6 engine, Chevrolet Malibu and I am in love with it.

Quotes of the Day :

"Drawbridge?!?"

"Richmond or empty whichever comes first"

"Ham & Eggs: A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig"

Day 5:

Drove from Richmond, Virginia to Knoxville, Tennesse. Lovelt scenery and found a good comedy channel on the radio.

Quote of the Day:

"Frozen Head National Park?" - Me

"Dollywood!" - Jen

Day 6:

Went to Jack Daniels Distillery ended up driving for like 14 hours and couldn't see straight, ended up in Memphis ghetto and feeling really afraid, got pulled over for speeding but let off and eventually found a motel.